no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
