The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
