I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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