awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
