I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
