Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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