Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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