Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
