So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
