You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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