Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
