you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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