Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
