Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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