Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
