We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We need to get me chipped asap
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
