I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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