Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
