Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
