i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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