I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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