we're blogging at a bar
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
