i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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