I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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