I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
