I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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