I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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