end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
