It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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