Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
