There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
