I wish I only lived at night.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
