dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
