This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You pole danced in your parka.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
