Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
