these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I think my fart just growled at me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
