she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
