you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
