So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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