so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
