All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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