When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
