Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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