Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
