Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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