Soap is not a condiment
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
