9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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