When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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