I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
