My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
