So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
